It was late one night this past Fall. I was alone in my room and not feeling great to begin with so I had decided to go lay down. As I was lying in bed, I began to cry out to God about a million worries going through my mind. I was literally CRYING OUT! With tears streaming down my face the worries and fears were pouring out of my mouth like lava from a volcano.
“What are you doing with me God? Am I being useful where I am at or do you have something else in store for me [job-wise]?”
“Am I raising my children right? Is there something more I could be doing to direct them towards You without being overly pushy?”
We have been looking to buy a new house and have been coming up empty-handed at every turn. We have yet to find the house that God has for us and that has been stressing me out so that was added to the list of worries…”Hello, God? Are you EVER going to direct us towards the right house?!? Are we not looking hard enough? Are we looking in the wrong areas?”
And through all of this I heard a resounding… “TRUST. Just TRUST”
Trust has never come easily to me. I am one that likes my ducks in a row and that everything is as it should be. I also like to be in control. I am one that thinks an awful lot “if I want it done right I better do it myself!” which is not exactly great when it comes to allowing people to find their own gifts and abilities (but that’s another issue for another time). I don’t even trust others as easily as I wish I could. Too many bad experiences, I guess.
However, God reminds us in Proverbs 3…
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
6 Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take. (NLT)
To be honest, I don’t know if I have ever really, fully put my entire trust in God, WITH ALL MY HEART. There were points in my life when I came awfully close, like when I was pregnant with my son, Levi. Halfway through we found out he had a heart problem. We were monitored weekly by ultrasound after that and really had to trust an awful lot that God had something good in store for us… trusting that everything would work out all right and we wouldn’t lose yet another child to miscarriage (or stillbirth if it got that far). But I had a lot of faith in the doctors as well and even the radiology technicians that they would see everything they needed to see. I had probably 90% trust in God and 10% trust in the medical staff. That’s normal, I guess. Yet, all the time I was worried that God was going to teach us a lesson through taking our child away from us before we could hold it.
But praise be to God that I had a fighter living in me. I gave birth to a healthy baby boy, Levi. Then the day after he was born had a pacemaker put in to make his heart pump the way it should. We still trust God to keep him healthy but I’m also trusting his cardiologist and pacemaker technician as well to keep the thing working right and making sure he has all he needs to survive! Even as I write this a small part of me fears that one day I could lose my healthy little three year old boy, to be honest.
God continues to remind me over and over again that I can trust him. I do trust Him with Levi’s heart. I also trust Him with my daughter, Kyrie. I trust Him with my life. I trust Him with my marriage. I trust Him with our finances. But all of this is to a point. I really, truly, want to put my trust in Him fully. To trust Him with ALL MY HEART.
And so, my one word for 2015 is TRUST.
Learn to Trust God that He will yet again blow my mind in so many different ways. That He will find us an amazing house to live in that we can fully feel like we’re HOME and can plant roots in. That He will guide and direct me in my future endeavors whatever that might be. And I can even trust Him to be the Mother HE wants me to be and to guide my children into a Life with Him – knowing that it will ultimately be their decision (and THAT is a different talk for a different time… let’s not go down that road right now)
I am even trusting God with this Blog and how He might use it, since I believe He has called me to have it. I TRUST that you reading this will be blessed through it!